Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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