She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
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Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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