I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
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We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We need to get me chipped asap
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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