Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
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my liver is dry heaving
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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