I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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