nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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