Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
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I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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