Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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