Little spoons don't ask big questions
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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