last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
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So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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