so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize