i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
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He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
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I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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