He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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