if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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