And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize