My nipple is on Facebook.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize