I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize