so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
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It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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