And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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