Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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