his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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