ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
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I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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