Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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