You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I love you. Go after that dick
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize