I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
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Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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