I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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