stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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