when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize