i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize