omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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