omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
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I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
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Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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