i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize