i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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