I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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