The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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