she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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