Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
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Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
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You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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