end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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