I'm really into asian looking animals
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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