you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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