I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
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no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
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I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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