I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
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Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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