Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
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When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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