I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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