my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
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You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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