saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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