Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
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What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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