I accidentally burped into my bong.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
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There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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