I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
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merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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