I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
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I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize